Wednesday, June 20, 2007

List Mania 1

Smells from my childhood

  • Burnt potatoes, dug fresh from the garden and charred on ignited logs
  • Stale cigarette smoke hanging in the bar
  • The sharpness of lime cordial stolen from the optic with my mouth
  • The cloying smell of death found at a cave mouth from the carcass of a rabbit whilst potholing in clay caverns
  • Beer. Both stale and fresh, adorning my father, adorning his customers with its wreath of madness


Things I've seen

  • The man I love but hated on the floor with a knife in his hand
  • My father chase my mother with a kettle full of boiling water
  • The blossom chasing the metro as I sat at the back and wondered at the beauty of it all
  • The perfect clarity between sea and sky as the clouds descend into madness and water
  • An ice floe over a mountain, frozen into blue glass by the passing of time
  • An African sunset, followed by an African night peppered with golf ball sized hail
  • Pete Bog, suspended in time at the British Museum
  • The British Library Reading Rooms in all their understated glory, and the rabbit warren of book stacks that hide behind the walls
  • My university bend and shape with the advance of modern education
  • The awe inspiring Macedonian tombs in Greece

Things I've never seen

  • My child born
  • My child conceived
  • My parents die
  • Morning on a hospital ward
  • Scars fade
  • America, outside of a lens


Advice my mother gave me

  • Never sleep with boys
  • Never sleep with anyone, even when you're thirty five and married
  • Never give anyone your money unless it goes with strings
  • Never wear your hair long and straight (I do)
  • Lose weight because you’re a fat monster
  • Put weight on because you look unhealthy
  • Sell your house
  • Don’t sell your house
  • Stay in the same job for the rest of your life and be thankful you have one…


What my father did every Sunday

  • Failed to collect me for lunch as agreed in the custody battle
  • Drank himself insensible with the punters
  • Had lunch with people who weren’t his family


Pleasing things

  • Books. New books, old books, graphic novels and library books
  • Red wine, and the glug of the bottle as it pours into that first glass
  • Not working whilst at work (this applies to the current job only – when a job engages me I will work above and beyond for my employers)
  • Buying friends ridiculous presents
  • Sleep (a recurring theme)
  • My dogs. My furry, smelly, stroppy and demanding dogs, who love me regardless


Things that are unpleasant to see

  • Your partner trying to kill / harm themselves
  • Fighting, whether it be in pubs or at home
  • Roadkill, because its pointless
  • Wife Swap and other related mindless reality shows
  • She Devil, any time, any place


Things that should be kept covered

  • She Devil!!!
  • My legs
  • My husband’s past few years


Things that should be kept uncovered

  • My eyes
  • My gaydar (woefully inadequate)
  • Women’s faces


Places I've lived

  • A stumpy bungalow on a new build 1960’s estate, that had beautiful lavender roses in the front garden
  • A Victorian public house next to a bus station and a busy conclave of shops servicing aforementioned 1960’s estate. There were riches to be had under the filthy seats ever Sunday morning before the cleaner got there first
  • A council sink estate, which was a whole lot more fun than you may think
  • As a lodger in a seafront flat with a wonderful en-suite bathroom that was perfect for beer bottle blowing
  • A flat that should have fallen down but that became a wonderful, beautiful, cavernous home, complete with a troll in the basement
  • A house surrounded by goons (the Fat Actress (aka Donkey Woman) and the Hippy)
  • A soulless house with too much emptiness and a meadow in the back yard